Helping those bereaved by suicide

Photo by Lina Trochez on Unsplash

I have never lost someone by suicide.
No one close to me has ever tried to help another person in their walk with suicidal bereavement.
I do not pretend that I can truly understand what it is like to experience such a loss.

This lack of personal experience makes me question myself professionally.
Can I really have empathy with somone who is trying to help a friend deal with such a dark reality?

Perhaps the danger is that, I shy away from clients who are left after another suicide for fear of hurting them by discussing it. The truth is that if I hold that position I am showing more concern for myself than for the person who has lost a loved one.
To support those bereaved by suicide, we need to recognise our own discomfort with what has happened and come to terms with it. Then we can better help our loved one who is directly struggling with the loss. The focus is not on ourselves but on them.

I hope there is information and suggestions here that will help you to help others.

How a person experiences the suicide of a loved one

To help those who deal with suicide grief, it is good to gain an understanding of what they have and are going through. Below are some observations that have been made about how people experience grief from suicide:

• Shock and PTSD Dealing with the initial shock of the death is the first trauma related to suicide. This is especially acute for the person who first discovered the suicide.
  This shock can eventually lead onto post traumatic stress disorder. In such a situation the bereaved is stuck in re-experiencing their initial reactions to the death. This will require specialist care.

• Controlling impact They are very careful within the relevant social circle to prevent further suicide. They are extremely cautious with how their behaviour may affect others.

• Looking for explanations The bereaved will examine their memories of the deceased. Questions about the deceased's character and their relationship with them will be central. The suicide act will be replayed in the mind of the bereaved to help make sense of the suicide.

• Socially uneasy The bereaved will struggle with their friends and family.
  It is likely they will develop new strong relationships with those who have have experienced similar loss or are comfortable in being with the bereaved when they discuss their loss.

• New insights Not all experiences of suicide are negative. A renewed understanding and appreciation of life can develop for some.

• Missing the deceased A yearning for the person who is gone can feel unbearable. The bereaved may experience overwhelming periods of emotion. Physical symptoms of such are insomnia, poor diet, stomach pain, back pain etc.

• A suicide wish Some people dealing with a suicide may have fleeting thoughts of joining the deceased through taking their own life as well.

• Anger and guilt Anger with the person who has died. Guilt for whatever role you think you may have played in the death.
  Anger and guilt are closely connected and are unavoidable.

• Avoidance The bereaved may go out of their way to avoid anything related to the suicide. Eventually, this is not practical.

• Stigma The bereaved may experience a negative reaction from their social circle. Such stigma can prevent the bereaved from processing their grief. They will not look for support. Their friends and family may feel their support is unwanted.
  In extreme circumstances stigma may cause the suicide to be covered up and lied about to all but very close family or friends.

• Relationship strain Pre-existing tensions can surface due to the stress of the suicide.
  Relationships within the social unit may not have been strong to start with and the suicide may just cause it to fragment further.

• Loss of privacy The legal and possible media process after a suicide feels like a breach of privacy. Just as the bereaved person or group are experiencing the immediate shock of the death there are necessary legal processes to endure.

• Normal grief experiences A person grieving suicide still has all the normal grief issues to deal with. Planning the funeral, financial settlements, what to do with a loved one's personal belongings etc are all still part of their grieving process.
  

General suggestions for helping people with suicide loss

It sounds silly to say, but the guiding principle to help a person in their journey through a loved one’s suicide is to be helpful.

In the immediate aftermath of the death, provide practical support. Help them with the necessities they can not do for themselves.

Help them to express whatever emotions they need to vent. Don’t push them to be emotional; it will come in its own time and way. After a six-month period, or thereabout, suggest counselling if you are worried for them.

If the bereaved has a spiritual practice, encourage them to use it for their own comfort.

Give them space when they need space and company when they want a chat or just to go somewhere with someone.

Encourage them to eat and sleep well, along with regular physical activity.

Research for local or online support groups for suicidal loss. https://hugg.ie/ is one such group.

They may benefit from being involved in public awareness work around the issue of suicide. There are numerous charities that would appreciate such help. Such work is only recommended when the client is managing their own grief well.

Overall, help your friend for the long haul. Grieving is a lifelong process with many varied emotions. Help them to come to terms with this, accepting it as normal, and to look after themselves as needed at the time.

Specifics sugestions for helping those bereaved by suicide

It is very easy to want to avoid talking to people who have experienced a suicide. It is understandably uncomfortable especially if you had contact with the deceased as well.
In approaching someone whom you know is seriously affected by suicide you need to be self aware as to how it affects you also.
What feelings do you have to the deceased?
How do you feel about how their death has affected the one you wish to support?
What are you own preconceptions about suicide in general?

How you answer these questions will affect how you give support to the bereaved. It maybe that you both need to cry on each other's shoulder for a while.

These are some suggestions on how to help the person bereaved by suicide:

• First acknowledge their loss and express condolence.

• Don't be afraid to offer help by word and action.

• Focus on simple kindness

• In the initial stages offer appropriate practical help, don't necessarily wait to be asked.

• Don't be an investigator. You are there to be helpful not to solve your curiosity as to why the suicide happened.

• Over time give the bereaved space when they need space and draw close when they seek help.

• Respond to the grieving person's pace. If they want to just sit and be quiet then make that comfortable for them even just sit with them if they wish.

• Be prepared to listen before you talk.

• When appropriate talk about the deceased and their life. This is likely to be what the bereaved wants to talk about anyway.

• Discourage negative coping. If the bereaved is showing signs of abusing substances etc or even self harming express your concern to them. Suggest suitable support, utilising professional services if need be.

• Be prepared for the long haul. Grief from suicide will never go away. Your ongoing relationship with the bereaved person will be a continuous source of support.
  As the years go by the need for your support may not be as intense but it will always be vital.

The changing experience of suicide grief

Dealing with the grief of suicide does not end, but it does change.

Be patient with those who are trying to live with a loved one’s suicide.. Allow yourself to respond to their need for help, not your need to help.
In your relationship with them be sensitive not pushing them to move in their bereavement to places they can not go.
In all your interactions with them remain hopeful for them that they can learn to live well while still grieving their loss.

It is impossible to cover everything. I hope in what I have written you have received some help.

If any of this content has caused you to be concerned for yourself or others, please do get help from a trusted friend or professional. This website may give you direct support if you are currently in difficulties. https://www2.hse.ie/mental-health/