The Christmas Family

The Claus Family from Arthur Christmas

Ah, the joy of having the family together at Christmas time.

Really?

Is Christmas the time when we celebrate family time together or endure it?

For some of you, Christmas is a very intense time. Perhaps money is very tight. Perhaps there has been a serious loss recently, such as a relationship breakdown or a death. Perhaps you are living under the threat of violence in your own home, verbal or physical.

For some of you, the issue may be more benign but still stressful. Christmas is by its nature stressful.
All that work of preparation for that one (or more) meal, presents.
The social engagements.
The expectations people have of you.
The effect of too much food and drink.

In this blog, Ruth Foley (a highly qualified researcher, Christmas event manager, and wife of the guy who does the counselling work with Prevail) has a reflection on the family stresses over Christmas.
She refers to the various roles that are commonly acknowledged within family systems.
To illustrate her points, she uses the 2011 animated film Arthur Christmas.

This blog is mostly lighthearted. If Christmas brings up more serious concerns for you please do reach out and contact James at james@pct.ie

Christmas does not make Families perfect

Arthur Christmas is a 2011 animated film centred on Santa Claus' younger son, Arthur. His quest is to deliver a present to Gwen, who was accidentally missed by Santa on Christmas Eve.
His older brother, Steve, spearheads the massive operation to deliver presents to all the children in the world. Steve is regretful that Gwen did not get her present, saying it can be delivered after Christmas. Santa is surprised that Steve made a mistake, but accepts Steve’s response and goes to bed.

But Arthur: He holds onto the belief that Gwen must get her present from Santa.
The film is based on his adventure to do that. In so doing, he also comes face-to-face with the truth that his family members are not what he thought they were.

The Christmas family pressure cooker

There are many responsibilities to be taken care of around Christmas. We all want things to be nice for Christmas, don’t we? The presents, the five-star dinner to be cooked once a year, the decorations, the social calendar, etc. These things don’t just happen by magic.
Who invests not just money but time and energy in making them happen?
Is it one person doing most or all of the work, possibly as well as the normal day-to-day work of running a household, or is it shared among family members in some shape or form?

The Christmas Hero

There is a role often seen in families and described as the “Hero” whose achievements make the family look like it’s doing well. Not that achievements are a bad thing in themselves, but dysfunctional families can have an unhealthy dynamic where the Hero feels (maybe even subconsciously) that he has to keep doing whatever it takes to succeed, not for himself, but to cover up or compensate for what isn’t actually going well in the family.

Steve, the presumptive hero?

Steve’s character shows signs of taking on a Hero role. Presumably, his father, the current Santa, was up to the job of getting all the presents delivered before Steve was born (Steve would pass for early 30s). At this stage, Santa seems to be mostly oblivious to what needs to be done and who’s doing it. Steve’s super-competence covers up his father being a non-involved figurehead.  

Real Christmas heroes

How often does some version of this play out in kitchens on Christmas Day (or the other 364 days)?
One person expected to do most or all of the work, because that’s the way it’s been for years, and they’re so good at it anyway. So what would be the point in anyone else doing anything?! Meanwhile, others relax and get a verbal round of applause if they push the boat out and pick up a tea towel. The real Hero’s efforts are taken for granted, and may end up steaming with more resentment than the Christmas pudding steaming in the saucepan. 

In many ways, the real hero in Arthur Christmas is Mrs Claus.

Margaret is an understated character who calmly and capably attends to what needs to be done, which could be anything from pureeing Grandsanta’s dinner to dealing with a treaty with Greenland. She seems to get little notice, credit or appreciation for what she does, but doesn’t seem put out about that. She values having her family together for Christmas,  and she doesn’t like them squabbling.
Let’s be honest, mothers make Christmas.

Christmas heroes can have little (and big) helpers

Thankfully, even if this scenario seems normal, it doesn’t have to be set in stone if we recognise it’s not a healthy family dynamic. A generous helping of communication and consideration - preferably before the heat is on - can share out the work, maybe not equally, but less unequally.
The ideal outcome of this would be that everyone can enjoy Christmas, rather than most people’s enjoyment coming at the cost of the Hero’s stress or exhaustion. And maybe the family members, apart from the Hero/Head Chef, are capable of more than they realise, too. 

The Christmas Mascot and Peacemaker

Anyway, when the Christmas dinner arrives on the table in the Claus household, the conversation flows quickly into troubled waters. Steve’s little brother Arthur has the perfect solution in his own mind – to get everyone playing The Christmas Board Game!
He’s playing a “mascot” role here to defuse problems with humour. He is the “fixer” or “peacemaker” who feels responsible for making everyone feel better and getting along. 

Poor Arthur tries to save Christmas

The game soon goes downhill when Arthur’s father insists on holding on to the role of Santa because he is “actually” Santa. Steve is beyond aggravated to be relegated to “you be the candle, Steve, with all your bright ideas”.
Arthur tries to cheer up Steve, but Steve rudely rebuffs his efforts - watch here. In Arthur’s mind, the focus is nearly always on how other people feel and not himself, but he’s still human with his own feelings too, and he is collecting up many incidents of hurt and rejection that will eventually come to the surface of his awareness later.

We don’t have to save other people's Christmas

Other people’s problems are not our responsibility to fix.

Is it possible to give too much – at Christmas or other times?
Is it possible to let others take us for granted?

Yes, we want everyone to have a happy Christmas, but it is not our duty to make sure they do.
It probably won’t work anyway. If we are the cause of someone’s grumpiness, then yes, we should do the right thing and make amends, as much as we can.

If someone is bringing down the Christmas cheer, don’t put pressure on them. Don’t try to get them to be happy. Don’t bring attention to their negativity. Just let them be.
A time will come later when you can talk with them.

And remember, you are still entitled to enjoy the day. Your good cheer will help them.

Do we make the elderly relative the Troublemaker?

The character of Grandsanta is definitely the troublemaker in the film.

Grandsanta doesn’t hold back on slagging off Steve’s use of powerful advanced technology. As the movie goes along, we find that Grandsanta has been basically forced to retire and dismissed as a “relic” with his old sleigh and actual reindeer.
Grandsanta resents how he has been treated and takes up what could be called a troublemaker role. At 136 years old, he says whatever comes into his head to wind up Steve and doesn’t give a hoot about what it does to the Christmas dinner mood. Maybe he feels he gets no respect anyway, so has nothing left to lose.

Is this reflective of how we view the older relative that we feel we must spend time with for Christmas? Are they kind of ignored, even made fun of?
No wonder they may say something embarrassing. It may be the only way they get noticed.

The Christmas Scapegoat and Golden Child

Poor Steve; No one appreciates all the work he does

Steve’s own ego is front and centre a lot of the time. It’s not surprising if he feels a need to fight his own corner when the credit for his impressive work goes to his father.
Yet when something goes wrong, his father wants to have the best of both worlds and his first reaction is to point the finger of blame at Steve (watch here). Steve complains that the spotlight is on one thing he did wrong instead of the two billion things he did right!
Steve is an example of a family member in a “Scapegoat” role. 

For Steve, his responsibility for the huge operation of getting presents delivered all around the world is his opportunity to prove himself. He is the smart, capable and hardworking man who keeps the whole show on the road - but has lost sight of anything that it means beyond himself. He thinks about blinking lights on a map more readily than thechildren they represent.

Are you the Golden Child or Scapegoat for Christmas in your family?

Some people are the go-to scapegoats for whatever big or small problems their family has at Christmas.
They may have a rival sibling who plays a “Golden Child” role - the one who can do no wrong in most people’s eyes.
Both of these perceptions are built on habitual ways of thinking, behaving, and expecting by all in the family. These perceptions are likely false, especially at Christmas when the expectations are so high.

For people who suspect roles like this are part of their family Christmas dynamic, it is helpful to take a more objective view.
What double standards are going on with different family members?
What behaviour is expected of or accepted to maintain the Christmas spirit?
How do family members speak to each other?

Managing these thoughts and expectations is a choice that all family members can take. Such choices need to be followed up with direct action. Perhaps the peace and goodwill of Christmas can be an inspiration.
Recognising negative roles you and your family members have can be unpleasant, but valuable as a stepping stone towards better relationships.  These roles will never change if you don’t see them in the first place.

Lost Christmas

Arthur is generally happy to go along with the facade that his Dad, the real Santa, truly cares for everyone. Arthur thinks the best of everyone.
When Arthur is confronted with the unpleasant reality that his father Santa is not the man he thought he was, his first response is denial. He loudly insists that Santa would be just as worried as Arthur is about Gwen - the one child who hasn’t got her present. He hangs on for dear life to this illusion of his father as the “most caring man in the world.” Watch here

Arthur loses his Christmas Spirit

Arthur no longer believes in Santa.

Arthur no longer believes in all he has held dear about his family, especially his Dad.

We see Arthur for the first time showing anger and hurt. He arrives at a point of resignation.
He no longer cares about Christmas. He’s changing into a different Arthur from the sweet and kind boy we’d come to know.
Instead, he is finding a healthier kind of honesty, both about others and about himself.
With this now clearer mind, he remembers Gwen, who hasn’t got her present. He concocts a plan to get it to her on time. The disappointment of his family, his loss of Christmas innocence, may be real, but Arthur has his Christmas mojo back. He gets back on the horse - or in this case the sleigh - to carry on his quest. 

Don’t lose your Christmas spirit

What realisations about yourself or your family have you made recently that weaken your desire for Christmas?

The most common of these is that your children have grown up. Have you grown up?
People whom you loved sharing Christmas with may be gone.

Christmas will always have its sense of loss, sadness, and regret.

In such situations, remember what your Christmas mission is for this year.
Who is depending on you, even in a small way, to just be there for them at Christmas?
Could you show kindness to others whom you don’t know?
How about treating someone you don’t like with a graceful gesture or even a thought?
Also, what can you give yourself for Christmas?

Remembering Christmas can change you for the Good

How we treat others can be habits that are ingrained and settled over many decades. Making changes in roles we have occupied since before we can remember is not easy, but not impossible.

At the climax of Arthur Christmas, we see most of the main characters tussling it out between their egos once again. But something different happens this time around.

Arthur is not engaging in the battle to be top dog, but thinking of the child nearby who will soon be looking for her present. Somehow, Arthur’s gentle urging gets through to the warring family and brings out something better in them. They redirect their focus outwards, realising Arthur’s vision of giving something to this child to make her happy. Watch here  

Being other-focused can help make Christmas Bright

The Claus family were dysfunctional. Most of us come from dysfunctional families.
If you think you don’t, …. well, tell me how you do it!

The Claus family didn’t brush off the inconsistencies of what family and Christmas meant to them. They remained as dysfunctional at the end of the film as they did at the start.
The difference was that they accepted, though not completly I’m sure, each other’s personality quirks. As they saw Gwen get her present, their disappointments with each other were replaced by a mutual sense of awe at her joy.

In the final scene of the film, we see the next Christmas
They all have their roles in delivering Christmas presents, roles that suit them, and Arthur is the new Santa.

Christmas is ultimately a story about a family. Not just any family, but a family whose story changed the world and has continued to for over 2,000 years.
Who knows what your family members could achieve when they are allowed to strive for their own goals and destiny?

Happy Christmas from Ruth and James Foley

But wait, there’s more

If you liked reading this blog, there are others with strong Christmas themes.

If you struggle with prioritising the financial desires of life with the relational needs we have, especially at Christmas, this will help

Are you asking yourself if Christmas is really worth the hassle? Read this and see what value you can get out of Christmas.