Love: The Struggle of Every Man

What type of life does a man want?

A life where he is happy.

Isn’t that all anyone wants?

But what makes him happy?

A successful career with all the financial security, stuff, and social status that this provides.

Or

Being part of a loving family, where you play your part in meeting their emotional and daily provision needs.

That may seem like a corny question. We all know the loving family option is the correct answer. If so, why then do men constantly battle with it?

I genuinely believe the struggle to not give in to material desires is harder for men than for women.
I believe this because men identify more with the drive to provide a good standard of living for their family than women do.
For some men, the drive to succeed in this way can be completely self-serving. A man may want to have it all, just for himself.

To discuss this battle of what makes men happy, I will use the film The Family Man as an illustration.

A Tale of One Man and Two Christmases

The Family Man (2000) is a story in the same genre as A Christmas Carol and A Wonderful Life. It is set at Christmas and involves seeing what an alternative life could have been.
It revolves around Jack Campbell. He is very successful on Wall Street.
He genuinely believes he has everything he wants.

Earlier in his life, he had an opportunity to start a life with Kate, who loved him. He chose to postpone that life, believing he would still love her on his return. His postponement became permanent as he ultimately forgot her.
He chose to succeed materially over being in love.

This is the opening scene of the film, where he walks away. Watch here

Now, in the current day, he is alone.

He spends the night with an escort in his large, sparse Manhattan apartment.

He pushes his corporate team to work on Christmas Day. They are closing on a big deal.
His boss commends him for being a credit to capitalism for working late on Christmas Eve.
And there you have it, Jack Campbell’s perfect life.

Later on Christmas Eve, he is thrown into the alternative life he could have had if he had stayed with Kate all those years before.
A life where he married her. He has a five-year-old daughter, a toddler son, a dog, a typical house in the suburbs and a mortgage to go with it.

It is a life of far less luxury or status. A life of sacrifice for others with little gain for himself. He is repulsed by his retail job, his shopping mall clothes and even his food. He is angry with the choices his alternative self made. Choices that saw him put others first and not the dreams of corporate success, he knows he is capable of.

This clip from a shopping trip highlights his frustration. Watch here

But what has he gained?

A wife and children who love him. A life where he is loved and respected for what he has done for them. A strong community of friends values him.

Perhaps most importantly, he has led a life, learning the value of real relationships, which merits the sacrifice of losing his dreams.

This clip is where Jack and Kate discuss their mutual sense of loss. They follow this with acknowledging their love overcomes this. Watch here

In the alternative world, Jack is once again given the choice of success via career or via family. This time, he chooses the sacrifice of a relationship, only to be thrown back into the real world.

He knows now how alone he truly is. He tries to just accept it, but it won’t work for him anymore.
He seeks out “His Wife” in the real world. She, too, has made the choice of material success over relationships. Now it is she who is choosing to leave.

Jack tells her about the life they could have had. He begs her to stay for a coffee so he can just talk to her. The film ends with them simply chatting, and the possibility that both of them can claim the loving relationship we know they can have.

The closing scene of The Family Man film

A man is his choices

The Family Man is a typical Hollywood emotional film. Don’t let that distract you from its core story. We become who we are because of the choices we have made. Also, who we are can change if we create the opportunity for that to happen. Of course, change is only possible if you want it and believe you can have it.

Jack Campbell didn’t believe he needed to change. He was confident in his belief that he had everything he wanted. It was only when he saw what he had walked away from that he realised how empty his real life truly was.
At the end, Jack Campbell makes the choice that he doesn’t like who he has become. He chooses to try to be the man he could have been and believes he still can be.

Chasing the Dream

At the start of the film, when he walks away from Kate, he genuinely believes that improving his career prospects is a good choice for their future. He is right in many ways.

We do not see what happened that caused him to forget that he loved Kate. He didn’t have to. He could have chosen to keep his love for Kate alive. It would seem incrementally that he chose otherwise.
We are told he never saw her again, so we assume the lure of wealth and status caused him to forget not only that he loved Kate but that being in love was important.
The lure of financial success and status won in his shallow heart.

Is that not the great trap for all men?

Men want to prove their love to those they love.
Men try to prove their love by being responsible for them.
To give them food on the table, clothes on their back, a roof over their head, and heat in their bones.
The urge to love becomes the responsibility to provide.
The responsibility to provide becomes the drive to financially succeed.
The drive for financial success becomes the belief of what it means to be a man.

A man’s degree of financial success defines him.

And then he forgets why he has this success?

Jack Campbell not only forgot why, but he also didn’t care. He just went straight to the money, but it was only for him.

Significantly, this story is set at Christmas time. Christmas is when we tend to think of family most. Christmas is a key time when a man’s ability to provide a Happy Christmas is equal to his disposable income. I am not saying this is not true for women, too. It is just my genuine belief that this is a core issue for men, more so than women.

A Family Man’s Sacrifice

The Family Man is a man who puts others before himself. A man who makes his way in the world not for selfish gain, but because he loves those whom he is providing for. His work is not out of obligation but love. Love to see others thrive.

That is The Family Man’s success.
That his sacrifice has provided for his family. Through his work, with financial and relational provision, his family are emotionally, as well as materially, safe. The satisfaction that he knows his family is OK is the greatest satisfaction a man can have.

Unfortunately, it is a constant fight for a man to keep his focus on his relationships and not to be caught up in his fear of financial failure.

The Personal Disclosure

I saw The Family Man a few months before I was married. I still remember phoning my then fiancé to tell her about it. Years later, I got the DVD. By then, I had two sons.
I now watch The Family Man as my Christmas tradition.

I am always challenged by Jack and Kate Campbell. To remember what life is about. To remember why I run my own counselling business. To remember why I got up early to type this on a dark December morning.

Like all men, I struggle not to forget.

I dedicate this blog to Ruth Foley, my Kate.