Who's in charge of you, You?
My third cancer blog and the last one I wrote while still an inpatient. I may have had two cycles of chemo left.
By this stage, I was drained of anger. I still had my days, but it was getting me nowhere. I was pushing myself to choose to accept the situation, but to keep the hope alive of future reunions and restarts.
This blog focused on the effect of the loss of personal autonomy and knowing I was not in control. I questioned are we ever really in control of our lives?
Small Picture Big Picture
About halfway through my chemotherapy, which I was on for 5 months in total, I was really struggling with accepting what was happening.
I accepted that my survival prospects were good, but I was angry with the life I was losing. Simply put, I just felt it was unfair. Additionally, I had lost my spacious, bright room, which had an access space before entering, making it very private. I was now in a dark, poky room which looked straight onto the main corridor.
I had a long way to go, and things seemed to be getting worse.
I took solace that the moment I was caught in was just that. A day would come when I would re-enter the fullness of life, I believed. I wanted to see the big picture.
Trauma in Life
Trauma is the emotional experience of hurtful events in our past. We can respond to trauma over the years by trying to ignore it or even forgetting about it. This is a common response to trauma that happened to us as children. Burial of pain can result in the person experiencing unexplainable, negative, cognitive, emotional and behavioural experience in later years. Trauma from earlier in life can be healed in the present day through the work of a therapeutic relationship with a counsellor.