The Grief of a Broken Dream

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

I sit here in my lonely room
Don't push your love too far
You know your wounds won't even leave a scar
Right now is where you are
In a broken dream
In a Broken Dream by Python Lee Jackson, 1972, Sung by Rod Stewart

Our dreams for what we believe life can be are our motivators for living.
As children, we may have dreamed of being an astronaut, a Jedi Knight; our fantasies were the limit.
As life moves on, we dream of travelling the world, having a fulfilling career, or having a lifelong loving relationship.

It is right and good to strive toward achieving our dreams.
But what do we do when what seems like a lifetime of effort falls apart around you?

Our dreams are soaring eagles when they become real.
They lift our emotions and self-belief to levels we never thought possible.
Our dreams can also be a drowning, dead weight when they fail. They drag us into a spiral of self-defeat that could even threaten our lives.

This blog is for those who are realising that their great life plan is unravelling before them.
It is a horrible experience.
Stepping away from the dream is like removing a part of your life from you.
When that time comes, there is no better option.

As you say goodbye, you will heal. As you heal, a new life will start to bud.

The Im-Possible Dream

“To dream the impossible dream … To run where the brave dare not go”
…
“And the world will be better for this
That one man, scorned and covered with scars
Still strove with his last ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable star”
The Impossible Dream from Man of La Mancha Musical Play (1972)

I am not going to be specific about what dreams we may have that fail us. To do so will catch some of you and lose others.
The usual areas that I come across are relationships, marriages, work aspirations, setting up your own business, etc.
The point is that we all have our dreams. We all want them to come through. We are all devastated if they fail.

In our modern culture, we are taught to dream, even dream big.
It is good to want to achieve.
It is healthy to be driven towards an attainable goal.
But what do we do when that goal, that dream, becomes all-consuming? When we realise that to make the goal achievable means we have to give it everything we have and more, what do we do?
Give up and walk away, or keep pushing at it?

The Tragedy of a Broken Dream

“Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face
You Gotta Be by Des’ree, 1994

Let’s sit in the muck for a while.
Accepting a dream has failed stinks.

We find ourselves pondering things like;
-“If I look at it from this angle or approach it that way, it might seem different”.
-“It’s my fault because I’ve not really given it a proper try”.
-“Well, if I just relax and let nature run its course, all will be well”.

These are the stories we tell ourselves.
It may be that the writing has been on the wall for a long time.
Perhaps circumstances have recently taken a sudden downfall, and it’s been a continuous spiral into the depths of despair ever since.

But how can something that you believed was so right now seem so wrong?
Were all the long hours of commitment just a waste of time and energy?
How can you come to hate something that once seemed to be the fulfilment of a life’s dream?

How do you know when the dream is over?

It may be as simple as a cost-benefit analysis. The emotional, financial, time, and physical energy costs are just not being rewarded with sufficient benefit.
This comes across as a cold process. Something you’d expect from a company’s risk assessment report.

Unfortunately, though, this is the analytical process you need to go through. Is your dream actually a nightmare?
If it seems that working for this prized goal is killing you, it probably is.

Ask yourself these questions;
-Has joy gone from your life?
-Are you struggling with your relationships? A
-Are you allowing yourself to have fun?
-Has prioritising this life that you believed in taken over from everything else?
-Is your mood erratic, angry, bitter?

You wonder if there is something you missed, but the answer seems to be a constant no. Every so-called “good idea” goes nowhere.
All I can say is you know, when you know it’s over.
You may have to come to that point a few times and avoid it, but eventually it sticks. And it hurts.

And then there was … Nothing

“Where did I go wrong?
I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life”
How to Save a Life by The Fray, 2005

The intensity of trying to make life work when it just won’t is all-consuming.
When that intensity is gone, it is all-numbing.

You open your eyes in the morning. You face a new day. It seems for the first time, you’ve forgotten how long, you simply don’t know what to do.

So you remind yourself what you are supposed to do, what is expected of you.
-Have a shower.
-Go to work.
-Tend to duties with home and family.
-You are on autopilot, waiting for life to kick in. But the life you had is gone.

You are running on empty, and you don’t know what fuel you should use to get yourself back on the road.

As uncomfortable as it is to stay in this space, it is important to rest there for a while.
You are emotionally injured, bruised, and drained. You need time to heal.

Small, gentle gifts to yourself are essential.
-Time alone and with others.
-Pleasures of food, nature, sex.
-Quietness to reflect and remember who you were before the madness set in.
-Don’t be embarrassed to have silly fun.
-Give yourself time.

You will know when you have had the time you need.
-Your mind will be lighter.
-You will not be as preoccupied with the failure as you once were.
-The sense of emotional and cognitive numbness will have lifted. -The daily routine of life will feel less like a pointless daily grind.
-A sense of meaning and purpose will have returned to you.

The self-doubt that plagued your soul will be cleared away.
You will have an assurance of what you can and can not do.
Most importantly, you will be keen to return to a full life again.
Not as it was, but with a developing hope of what you sense it could be.

Life after Death

Between heaven and hell
A teardrop fell
In the deep crimson dew
The tree of life grew
And the blood gave life
To the branches of the tree
And the blood was the price
That set captives free
Redemption by Johnny Cash, 1994

The time has come to begin living again.
-You begin to remember the small, mundane ticks of life.
-You look at the phone messages you have missed.
-You finally check your email inbox.
You go to work with some degree of purpose.
-You plan to meet up with friends that you have begun to miss.
-You begin to embrace family life again.
-When you meet people, you can listen and not just wish they would go away.
-You smile occasionally.

When you are overall doing ok in the smaller things in life, it may be time to tackle the dinosaur in the house.
That dinosaur is the area of your life where everything went wrong.
Whatever the dinosaur in your house is, there comes a time when it has to be faced.

Again, it is a case of slowly doing what needs to be done.
Don’t jump in to try and fix what went wrong. That is just setting yourself up for the same fall again. Be careful, as dinosaurs don’t die easily. The sleeping giant could suddenly wake up, grab you and try to finish you with one last bite.

It is good to be wary of the long-lasting, destructive powers of a failed dream. That power is the seductive belief that, with your renewed strength, you could really make it work this time.
We always want to believe a dream can come true, even a battered one. It may seem like a child needing love and care so it can be brought back to life.

This may seem heartless, but don’t be fooled. The only way you can be sure you will not be back in the grip of failure is to kill your dream.

How to kill a dream

You can’t keep stepping around the cesspit your shattered hopes created in your life.

The way to finally slay the dragon is:
-First, keep your mind focused on believing this life dream needs to die. Do not be tempted to resuscitate it.
-Think objectively about the situation.
-What loose ends need attention? Are there legal issues that have to be resolved? Can family issues be sorted out amicably?
-Keep an objective, unemotional stance. This makes what needs to be done clearer to see.
-Break the situation down into manageable parts, dealing with the easiest ones first.

-Place a marker in your life to remind you that part of your life is over. This marker can be virtual, such as a relevant screensaver or desktop/homescreen file on your devices. Or it could be physical, such as a plant, a photo or even a piece of the dream that you made. Place it somewhere where it is seen but not intrusive.

-Tell relevant people that you are no longer working on that part of your life. You don’t have to go into details. Just say no, I’ve left that now, I’m moving on. Going public about your failure weakens its hold on you. A problem shared is a problem halved after all.

-As you go through this time of removing the remains of that decayed life, you will feel sad. You would cry at the funeral of a loved one. It is ok to become emotional with the death of what you once believed gave you life.
Do not be afraid of that grief.
Fear of grieving can result in stagnation, even going back to the hope you felt for a sense of comfort.

The sad fact is that without death, new life does not begin.
The hope is that from death will come the seed of new life.

Whatever your area of loss is, you can not avoid it forever.
Plant the seed of hope in your heart and mind for a new beginning.
You may not know what that beginning is.
Believe in the perpetual newness of every day, and the possibilities they present.
Use what you have learned to nurture that hope and tend it with kindness and active self-care.

Pain never lasts forever.

You will have a new life. Life after death.

Songs referred to in this blog

In a Broken Dream by Python Lee Jackson, 1972, Sung by Rod Stewart LISTEN HERE

The Impossible Dream from Man of La Mancha Musical Play, 1972LISTEN HERE

You Gotta Be by Des’ree, 1994 LISTEN HERE

How to Save a Life by The Fray, 2005 LISTEN HERE

Redemption by Johnny Cash, 1994 LISTEN HERE

Other related resources

Anxiety and Depression. A description of how Prevail Counselling Therapy works with mood problems related to lost hope.

Dealing with Bereavement. The loss of a life’s dream is akin to the loss of a loved one. Prevail Counselling Therapy acknowledges all loss as similar. Here is an overview of how this work is done.

Counselling for Suicidal people. A lost dream can make us question if we want to continue living. This blog outlines how counselling can work to help people deal with thoughts of suicide.

Recovering from a Failure. The crash of big plans in one’s life is a devastating experience of failure. This blog works through how to deal with failure and eventually recover from it.